Last week was a challenge. Getting out of bed, finding a fuck to give about my unruly hair, battling the crowded Toronto commute (how is the insanely overcrowded TTC a legit safe form of transportation?) smiling at reception for 8 hours, to then head home with another heard of cattle er people.
I know I have no business complaining about my life and that other people have it MUCH harder than me. I’m not sharing for sympathy – I’m sharing so maybe other people read this and say “oh thank Heavens that doesn’t only happen to me” (because people talk like that right?) or maybe you’ll get a laugh from all of this. Or maybe you can help me figure my shit out. If my honesty helps one other person in some sort of shape or form then i’m going to continue to put myself out there, write down my feels and put it on the damn internet for you.
Last weekend I got a call that shook me to the core. Someone who is close to me and who I have known my entire life called me with what felt like a list of reasons why they thought I was living life all wrong. Full disclosure: I am aware I am not perfect, I have only one speed, I have made mistakes, I get things wrong. Take a looksy into my past and it will validate that all of the above is in fact true and solidify that I can sometimes be a walking, breathing, human error. But so can everyone else! The truth is – up until that phone call – I was feeling really good about life. I was feeling good about myself. I liked the life I had created and viewed it as a healthy and happy enough space that I might even have given myself a pat on the back on some days. I was trying, my efforts were paying off and I wanted to continue to exercise what felt like sustainable effort.
When I received this phone call and the voice on the opposite end of the line went on and on and on – I listened, I didn’t say “You know what you can do? Stop being a prick” I tried to remain calm, I took the time to respond and defend my life and then we hung up, and that conversation has been a lump in my throat ever since.
Even though I felt confident defending myself and my life and my decisions – the phone call sunk into my ego, it pin pricked my balloon of confidence and slowly released all of the air until I felt deflated, defeated, and questioned every aspect of my life. Was she right? Was I missing something? Is that what everyone thinks about me? Am I really doing it all wrong?
I called up a couple of friends, I called up my dad, I called my boyfriend. I didn’t get to talk to my therapist but trust me I will. I was hoping the act of venting and recitation would be enough to dissipate all of my feelings. I tried to let it go. I tried to tuck it away. But the burning judgement made against me had already seared into my conscious and it’s still there.
Does this ever happen to you? Where you look in the mirror and wanna give yourself a high five for being awesome but it feels like someone has stepped in between you and your reflection and high fived you in the face instead? How do you let it go? How do you work through it? How do you forgive people for thinking it’s totally acceptable to call you up on a Saturday freaking morning to say “Hey, you suck?” How do we then navigate back to the incredibly well lit, newly paved road that cost a shit ton of tax payers money to build and seasons to find? Because i’m stuck in a metaphorical emotional ditch now. Because as well as being imperfect I also don’t know everything, I don’t have all the answers and even though I have a pile of reasons to be grateful – stuff like this can sometimes pull me into stormy weather and make it hard to see that the sun – is just behind that big dark cloud that should pass through any day now.